Want to know why it never seems like I care about the material things I break?

It's cause I try harder to make it so that Dianney doesn't break either.

Today was strange.

I woke up alright.

I laughed and smiled lots during 1st and 2nd block.

I was ok for the first half of the day.

Then after lunch

I felt like throwing myself out a window.

Tearing my skin off.

And ripping my skull apart from the inside out.

I was shaking.

Group work was called out for fourth block.

That was the worst thing that could happen.

My head felt like it was floating but being weighed down at the same time. 

The shaking got worse.

The tears floated up to my eyes.

The hands were caressing my throat.

I wanted so desperately to run away and disappear. 

I looked and looked and hid behind my hair.

I tried to ignore the weights and feathers and tears and hands.

I stared at my lap to make it seem like I was the only one there.

No one else. 

I heard explanation coming from behind me.

I heard it come closer.

I felt it hovering above me.

I remembered.

I remembered.

I could've just curled up in a ball and start rocking back and forth and let the tears leak out my eyes and scream until my vocal chords snapped into a thousand strings.

But I didn't.

I kept staring at my lap, as if it would make everything better. 

I kept listening. 

And then blank.

I found myself at the end of the block, awake the whole time, but not being able to recall what had been said or done within the last 50 minutes.

Just blank.

I came home and felt better.

Then again.

My skull was going to crack through the middle and collapse. 

I held on tightly and let out screams whispers of terror. 

I couldn't breathe.

Water in my eyes.

I keep holding on.

Even at practice, 

"Are you okay today? Are you sick or somethin?"

The feeling came back.

And I had nowhere to go.

Nothing I could do about it.