It's been the first time,

in a long while

since I've been

alone

in a room full of people

and I didn't feel

lonely.

I wasn't sure how I felt at the time.


I was sad, but surely, I was happy too.


You asked me what was wrong, and I only looked at you and nodded my head nothing. You looked at me with sad eyes. I looked back at you and smiled a sad smile. You came up close to my face. I smiled a real smile. You continued to watch TV. I happened to mutter the words that have been floating around inside my head for the past week or so, "You know. I really hate you sometimes." You looked at me in shock, smiled, and asked why. I looked blankly away from you and said spoke: 


Me: Because. The other day, I was having a really hard time, you know? I kept hearing the bad things in my head. To do something. To slice my wrists open. I practically had to force myself to eat too. It was hard. But  I thought of you. And how I couldn't do that. Because it would make you sad. And if you were sad, then I would be sad too. I wouldn't be able to bear the thought of my own selfishness causing you pain. 
D: You're right. I'm glad you didn't do anything. 


You smiled and walked over behind me and held me. 


You didn't have to do that. It must have been awkward, with me bent over the table and all. But you did anyway. It was nice. 


The clock, went off and I chuckled at the sound that came from it. 


D: I should you buy you an awkward clock like that, so that every hour it would go off and you'd smile and laugh. And you'd be happy 24 hours a day.


You cradled me in your arms and carried me over to the other room. You were strong and warm. You gently laid me on the couch, which was cool on my skin, despite the fact that I was already cold. I didn't mind though, it felt really nice. I turned my body to face the couch, where you couldn't see my face.


I just talked and talked. You listened. I'm glad.

I talked about what I heard in my head. My daily thoughts. The things I go through on a daily basis. How hard it is. How you are the first I ever have opened up to. How much you mean to me. How I don't want to let anyone down. How everything felt like it was closing in on me. How I'm scared. Just. Everything. 

I didn't look directly at you. I was too ashamed. I caught glances though. You looked at me through sad, hazel eyes. God, you had beautiful eyes, and they were looking at me--a hideous creature who knew nothing but sadness and tears. I felt really lucky that of all the people in the world, it was me you were looking at at that moment. 

I talked more. You listened more.

I spoke until there wasn't anything to hide.

I told you not to worry. 

I wouldn't cry.

I wouldn't have an anxiety attack either.

I told you. I told you how scary it was the other day. To feel like I was disappearing.

How she was becoming more and more like me and I felt like I was becoming less and less like me. If she was me, and I was me then what would be left? I would become nothing. 

But you told me I wouldn't. 

You told me she was jealous of me. That everyone was jealous of me. You confessed that I influenced your taste in fashion. 

But more importantly, 

you told me there would be only one me. 

The me who you thought was beautiful, and that would be even more beautiful once my braces came off. 

You told me you loved seeing a smile on my face, and hearing my laugh. 

You told me, there would be only one me, and that you'd always be there for this me.  

You told me that you would always love the me that I am.

You told me you wanted to come see me on your bike, but your parents wouldn't let you. The thought was more than enough.

I let warm tears cut my face. And I felt your warm hands on my cool skin, comforting me.

I looked up at you. You've been looking at me with those eyes.

D: What do you want to be when you get older?

Me: Dead.

And I turned away from your gaze.

Me: I can't even look at you and say the words because it hurts too much to see your pained face.

After I told you that I was trying so hard to hold on. But that I couldn't let go. Because I wanted to see you again. Along with Ms. S, Mr. C, Mr. J, and Mr. Z. I wanted all of you to see me again. I wanted to see all of you again. I wanted you all to see me again when I wasn't like this. But it was getting so hard. It was getting so confusing. 

And in the moment of silence when the tears kept streaming down. You were playing with my hair.

I muttered the words, "I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry I'm sad." And the tears spilled out again. You wiped my hair, you wiped my tears. You told me, "Don't ever feel sorry for being sad. It's not your fault. You can't help it."

Then you spoke again:

D: No matter what you think of yourself, I will always think you're the best. Always. I love you.

And you kissed me on the forehead.

And I curled up into a ball and cried again. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I wanted desperately to tell you I love you. I wanted even more to tell you thank you. But the words never came. They stopped at my throat and disappeared.

You, whom I've known the shortest amount of time, has told me enough things that will stick with me for a lifetime.

I looked up. You looked as if you were in some faraway place when I looked back at you again.

Me: What are you thinking?
D:Thinking of ways to make you happy
Me: I am happy. I'm happy I'm here with you right now. I'm happy I met you.

I let go of my ball and lay flat on my back. You put the hair away from my face and kept wiping my tears.You looked only at me, and I looked only at you. 

I wasn't sure how I felt at the time.

I was sad, but surely, I was happy too. 

Cassis,

I always did nothing but repeatedly make you sad.
Surely I hurt even you; I cannot move.
Why is it this painful to touch you?
Surely it's because I'm afraid that I'll repeat the same things and end up losing you.

I was trying to wipe them away by getting close to you: the days I could not forget.
You squeezed this hand without listening to a single word.
Even if tomorrow your feelings are distant, surely I'll love you unchangingly.
Even if tomorrow you're unable to see me, surely I'll love you unchangingly.
I will walk together, to the future not promised.
It keeps walking together to the future in which you are . . . 
I think of you until
I can forget even the harsh things.
Each time I count the nights on which we cannot meet
my heart yearns for you.
Inviting the loneliness of conflict, please, do not cry all alone.
No matter how far apart, let's be the couple who believes.

Please, I want to be laughing just like this.
Don't let me hurt you.
As time went on we were fading:
I don't want to repeat that thought.
Even if tomorrow your feelings are distant,
surely I'll love you unchangingly.
Even is tomorrow you're unable to see me,
surely I'll love you unchangingly.
Please, gaze only at me.
Please, I hope these hands do not come apart.			

I will walk together, the future not promised
It keeps walking together, to the future in which you are . . .

Thank you.

Thank you.

I've never had the strength

to tell you yet.

Not in person.

Not to your face.

Not yet.

But I'm making a promise,

that when I become strong,

when I can stand on my own again--

I'll be the one taking care of you.

Thank you.

So much.

For taking care of me.

For holding me when

I was shaking,

For holding my hand when I felt so weak and cold.

For kissing me on the forehead when my world 

felt like it was going to crumble,
For wiping away tears from my tired eyes,

For always loving me.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I am this way.

I'm sorry that you have to take care of me the way you do.

It should be the other way around.

But don't leave me.

Not yet.

I promise.

I'll get strong again.

I'll get better.

And then it'll be me taking care of you.

And everything will be right.

And I'll finally be happy.

But even if you do leave me,

for some strange reason,

I'll still care for you the way I do now.

I'll still continue to love you the same way I do now.

And I'll always hope for your happiness.

And your smiling face.

Please, be happy .

I already don't sleep enough as it is
and
this storm that's going on
outside my window doesn't help much either.

Too many noises going off at once.

The voices in my head.
The screams of distant memories echoing throughout my skull.

My eyes are tired.

The rain hitting loudly
on my window
with seeds of torment.

The wind blowing,
crashing and colliding
with everything in its path.

The lightning flickering
with flashbacks of nightmares
in each spark.

Thunder
brings out another ghost
one
by
one
by
one.

There's nothing I can do
but wait it out.
Or try to sleep.
Which is pretty much impossible at this point.

Maybe the storm will eat me.

As if my night couldn't get any worse,
As if enough things weren't stressing me enough.

This is pushing it.

Nausea is creeping up my throat again.
My vision is fading in and out.
My skin itches and burns.
I'm so dirty.

Band camp all week.

Tell someone everything

and fall in love.

This can't be happening.

Good day.

Beach day was good.