You vs. Dianney. Vs. Self - Round 1

A pass with my name written correctly has summoned me into your possession.

I sit in the same spot I always have. I put my things in the same place I always do. We talk about the same things we always have. You're repeating yourself for the umpteenth time. I don't know if I should tell you or not. I'm kind of annoyed by it, but at this point just hearing you talk brings a sense of security that I don't care what you're talking about, as long as you're talking to me. It scares the bad voices away.

It is cold, and my clothes are too thin.

You ask me of a drawing that I had shown another teacher earlier this morning. The other teacher had been worried about it. The drawing was basically a self portrait of myself. It's a clown holding black balloons in striped clothing with a toy gun to her head. Having this be one of my more morbid and straightforward drawings to appear from me, you ask me not to show you my drawings to anyone else without showing you first. I agree. I assume you're directing it towards drawings that are straightforward and morbid, not to all my drawings.

You are asking me questions now. More personal and invasive than usual. Questions like "Have you ever been emotionally/physically/sexually abused? Has anything traumatic/dramatic ever happened to you?" Etc. I am getting somewhat uncomfortable. You tell me I am not obligated to answer if I do not want to. I say no to your standardized questioning. You tell me to think about it. Because there has to be a source as to why baby Dianney feels the way she does -- it can't just come out of nowhere.

You are asking me harder questions now. One of your questions are too hard for me to answer and I make up a lie so I don't look more of an idiot that you probably think I am. Your other questions are easy though and the answers are of instinct. I do, however, hate to admit what the answers are to you.

Am I really that embarrassed of myself?

You continue talking. You talk about what we can and can't control, good people and bad people, pretty people and ugly people, smart people and stupid people, etc. We talk about my hair and you ask about academic performance, You give me a solution which I had known all along. I am lazy, not stupid.

We have taken about 40 minutes, and I get back to class with only half an hour remaining. I keep my head down on my desk for the rest of class because I am not prepared today. I am not prepared any day. I play with the words you planted in my head and decide that I do not like them. They are making my head swim and I want to throw up.

I will try though. I will try to get through this.