There's a highly likely chance I suffer from dysthemia.
Oh boy.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
The summer I jumped into the fire.
At least once a week, for every week during the month of August, til now, early September, I have seen you.
At least once a week, for every week during the month of August, til now, early September, you have made me smile.
At least once a week, for every week during the month of August, til now, early September, you have given much more than you know.
2 August 2011; Tuesday
It started with a simple, just-hanging-out kind of deal. Tuesday, after sax lessons. I got up, got ready, and left. Restless the night before, I hadn't slept. Whether it was due to hormones, or the fact that I was actually going to hang out with someone, at their house, one on one for the first time ever--I didn't know--I didn't care either really. I felt fine, and so I would be fine.
Before meeting you out front, I had seen someone who meant a lot to me, who is helping me. We chatted for a couple minutes. As much as I had wanted to chat with him more, I wanted even more to get to the car so I wouldn't keep you waiting too long. I would be a guest, after all.
I jumped into the car, said my hellos, and we went to your house. It being my first time in your house--in anyone's house--I was nervous of course. I would be under an unfamiliar roof, with unfamiliar people; even you quite honestly. I had hung out with you previously approximately 4 times -- two of which was during a movie, the other 2 incidents, there was another guest.
We went to wake up your older sister who was happened to be sick. Poor girl. We went back into your room, only to go on the internet for a good portion of our time. Eventually our conversation had wandered down the path of N--whom we both worried about. I said how I was afraid for her, and how she might become like me and how I didn't want that all. Me now, was scary. I scared me. I hated me. I didn't want her to fall under the same clutches. And in that explanation, the words came tumbling out of my mouth of why my tumblr posts are the way they are. Why I always seem sad. Etc.
I started to cry, and you only listened and hugged me. Then I pushed myself away, only to reveal the real source of my condition. You got up and shut the door, I watched you. You looked at me, I looked at you. I spoke the words that felt too much like clouds and dust in my mouth. You looked at me again, only in disbelief and shock and held me close. I began to shake and cry uncontrollably. The nightmare was replaying on the walls of my skull. You laid me down next to you and held me, stroked my hair, and just let me cry. I'm happy that you did that. There was nothing else to explain, nothing else you could say to something like that, but you picked the right thing to do, in my opinion.
We stayed like that for quite some time. You spoke reassuring words, and your own personal demons.
Eventually, I fixed myself up and you got your grandmother to make us cups of tea, along with animal crackers. We went swimming, and after we just sat on the front porch and just chatted about ourselves. We got to know each other more and more witch each word that fell from our tired mouths. We became even closer and closer since then.
12 August 2011; Friday
We had created plans to go the mall. We smelled candles and went to Starbucks. It was pleasant and fun.
13 August 2011; Saturday
I slept over your house. I was nervous about asking my parents, because they always said no to such requests. But not this time. I got lucky. The gods approved of the bond we forged together out of pain and suffering and felt it only necessary to provide us with the company of each other, as we had no one else--as if they felt that now was the time for us to stop feeling this way and it was time for us to move on.
I had left my house around 5 with shorts that we had purchased together the night before, in a simple outfit that seemed to 'formal' or 'cute' for everyday wear. But that's how I usually dress.
I appeared smiling at your door. It had been raining all day. A was at your house. She and Y were getting ready for a night out at work, while we just chatted and watched. You sat at the laptop and commanded I sat on your lap because you wanted to show me something. Your mother walked in, looked at us, and said "Huge." It was rather hysterical.
Y and A left. We got ready ourselves, and left. Your dates had cancelled, but we still had a pleasant time. We went to starbucks and talked about music. We made our way onto Marshalls only to smell candles. It was fun, and a good memory. We left with a pair of headphones and earphones.
Your mother picked us up and we went back to your house. She had prepared Russian food, which was quite good. I was afraid, not for tasting reasons, but for other reasons. But for you, it was worth the risk. After we went up to Y's room and plugged in the laptops and just went on Chatroulette and Tumblr all night.
Eventually, our conversation got lost and I found myself opening up again. It wasn't as bad as the last time, but still had quite the impact. It was already about 3AM, and you crawled into bed and beckoned me over. I huddled closely. I felt my eyelids become heavy, and I fell asleep for a couple of minutes before I asked a serious question. You answered honestly, and I drifted back into sleep.
Later, Y had come home and looked into the room. You had gotten up and was back at the desk, and I was by myself in the bed. You only look backed and smiled, and motioned how cute I had been when I slept. I got up again, and we both wished Y and A a good night before they went to bed, and we made our way back to your room. I cuddled up against the wall, and you had the outside of the bed.
I woke up early the next morning, after saying how badly I wanted to sleep in. It was only 9, but there was no use going back to sleep. I got up, brushed my teeth, washed my face and sat mindlessly at the laptop until you woke up much, much later. You felt bad, but I assured you it was fine. I was used to it.
We had breakfast when you got up, and joined Y and A for a movie. It was long and wierd, but still nice. It was a rainy day in cuddling with you and that was fine. Moments I had left, you, Y and I had spoken about our distaste for N that was developing. I left. It was a good weekend.
20 August 2011; Saturday
The birthday party at your house for only family members was happening. I was the only one who wasn't family who had attended. I felt special. It was also my grandmother's birthday party, which I had wanted to show my face for even a little bit at least, out of respect.
I arrived late, everyone was already drunk. But I enjoyed the greeting I got when I arrived. So full of love. So full of life.
We talked, and I was introduced to all your family. They were all lovely really. Your mother insisted I ate, and I tried the best I could.
Later, we sat by the pool, only to get pushed in. Our clothes getting soaked. I wasn't mad, we figured right after we might as well go in as well. When we did, though, it was too cold. So we crossed the street only to use the hot tub for a amount of time. Eventually we got out again, and dried off for the final time. You gave me your clothes, you gave me your concern.
I felt really close to you that day. Not because I had your clothes on my back, but because I was the only non-family member there. You were having two separate parties for that, but I was invited to both. I was part of the family.
We spent the rest of the night with Y while she packed for NY the next day. I prayed hoping you would have a good birthday despite that.
23 August 2011; Tuesday
Instructed driving has led me to your house again. I felt bad this time though. I didn't mean to come on such short notice, I didn't mean to intrude even more than I already had. I felt like I was walking on glass. We stayed on the laptop all day. We experienced an earthquake together that day.
Later, I got very quiet, and I found the words to get it out. I cried, and you listened. We stayed on the couch and you let me cry. You wiped my tears, you took care of me again. I felt bad for that. But I'm still glad you took the time to listen to me.
26 August 2011; Friday
Hurricane watch is in effect.
Your party for only friends is today. I arrived late only because I had been invited to another party beforehand. Your mother greeted me at the door and said I would help take care of the party.
I liked your friends.
You whispered to me that N had been impersonating me all day, and then asked me to bring a bathingsuit when she already had one. I got mad, I got back. It's ok.
The whole time, I was pretty much by myself, being the oldest one there and not knowing anyone. I tried to stick by your side as much as I could. I didn't mind, though. Being alone. Because even though I was alone, I didn't feel lonely. I knew you were there waiting for me, in the back of your mind. At least, that's what I told myself.
I was one of the last to leave, and as I went to tell your mother I was leaving, she hugged me and thanked me for being such a big help. I was happy I was of use to someone.
It was a good day. I felt good.
2 September 2011 - 3 September 2011; Friday night
Friday was alright. Everyday was the same. My self-hate was growing. The voices are getting stronger. But I can't stop it. I only do what I can. It took over that night.
I texted you.
11:43 PM : I would like to let you know that I'm gone. There's no more me here anymore. There's no more me anywhere. Silence and sadness swallowed me whole while pumping my blood and thoughts into another body. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I am. I just know I'm not here. I'm not there. I'm not anywhere. I love you. I'm sorry."
11:45 PM: DIANNE. YOU'RE SCARING ME. Stop whatever you're doing.
6 missed calls.
11:49 PM: Dianne please please please answer me.
12 missed calls.
11:58 PM: I'm coming to your house. Please please don't do anything. Please.
18 missed calls.
I didn't believe you. You showed up at my house with tennis team girls. You had one of them get my number from a mutual friend.
You came rushing into my house and sat on my bed across from me and asked what was wrong. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't say a goddamn thing. I used my cellphone to tell you that no voice is there. I kept telling you to go back because they're waiting. You refused. You told me to tell you to what's going on in my head, but I couldn't. I only pointed at my journal.
I couldn't keep up being mute. I grabbed a notebook and a pen.
Me: Just read anywhere I don't care. You'll see when you read it.
I feel bad they're waiting for you outside.
You said let them wait. You said you wouldn't leave me. Not til you know I was ok.
Me: I don't know what else to say after that.I can tell you to go back, but you won't.They might be there a long time if you don't go and they won't like me and it'll be my fault and I don't want to burden you even more than I already have.
You told me they could leave if they wanted to. You told me you couldn't because you were scared. You were scared you were gonna lose me.
Me: You won't lose me.
"How am I not losing you? You can't even talk to me."
I couldn't talk because the voice that would come out didn't feel like mine. The voice that would come out felt like nails being clawed against my windpipe, clasping it shut, telling me to shut the fuck up because I had no room to talk. I was worthless and a piece of shit. Why should I have to talk.
Me: I'm losing words.
Help me.
I don't know what else to do.
I don't know what else to say.
I'm shaking.
I can't see my tears are in the way.
All I hear is my heart in my head and all I feel is heavy.
I don't know what to do with myself right now. I don't want to keep them waiting you can go.
They left because you told them to. You told me you wouldn't leave me. That you would stay the whole night if you had to, just to make sure I was okay.
Me: Your parents will hate me.
You wrote "I love you." And told me who cares what they thought? You just asked me what was going on in my head. You begged me to talk. You grabbed both of my hands and begged me. I forced with what strength I had, my own voice out in a whisper.
Me: "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
and I bent over and cried on top of your hands. I kept apologizing for being the way I am. For being sad. For being annoying. For ruining your night. For making you come here like this. For everything. I spilled all my tears onto the back of your hands.
Then I stopped and started writing again.
I wrote as it appeared. I let my hands move mindlessly.
Me: This is hard to talk about.
My parents created a void in me growing up.
They were never there.
Even now.
They're still not there.
L made it worse.
But that's my fault.
"That's not your fault."
N and L have the same personality.
I can't look at her without being reminded of him.
"Then don't be friends with her. Don't talk to her."
Marching band.
Papa's mad at me.
He never gets mad.
But he's mad at me.
Mama hates me.
She said so herself.
I bet papa hates me too.
I'm such a disappointment.
At that instant, you grabbed the notebook from my hand, and crossed out the words disappointment and filled it in with the words;
"Joy to have in life."
You figured talking to me wasn't working. Writing would be the only way.
You: Stop saying you're nothing. You are EVERYTHING to me. you don't need papa or mama. You can depend on me. I promise you. I LOVE YOU.
Me: But I'm hurting you.
I can't forgive myself for that.
You: NO. YOU ARE NOT HURTING ME. Dianne, I PROMISE, I will always be here for you. You NEVER hurt me EVER. I swear on my life you are one of my most important people in my life. You can never get me upset. No matter what state you're in, I'll be here. You can't blame yourself for feeling like this I PROMISE. I love you and ALWAYS will. No matter what's going on in your head. You and I will always be BEST FRIENDS. I don't care what my other friends think or what my parents think. You shouldn't either. Just know, Dianne Dancel, I love you forever.
Me: I love you too. So much. And I'm sorry if I'm sad and clingy.
You: DONT BE SORRY FOR YOUR FEELINGS.
Me: fine.
I'm sorry I'm clingy and annoying and that I'm 16 and you're taking care of me like this.
Listen,
Even though I always say I'm sorry.
I want you to know that even more than that I want to say
Thank you
I just don't have the strength to say it yet.
But that's what I really want to say
Thank you.
You: STOP saying that you're clingy or annoying. When I say I'm there for you, I mean it. When I say I'd rather have you happy than myself happy, I mean it. When I say I love you, I MEAN IT. Don't think of our age difference I care for you. I love all of you. Even the bad mind... Well I don't love it there but if it's in you, I love it. (secretly hate that thing though) I want to take all the bad things and put it away and replace it with good/happy things.
Me: read the last 3 posts.
I pulled up this blog onto my phone and made you read. They were all about you. I could see you had tears in your eyes. Your parents pulled into the driveway, and you told them hold on.
As you finished reading, and we were about to go outside, you stopped me and told me to close the door again. You hugged me. You held me. For a long time. You held me tight, and made sure I was still there in your arms. That I wasn't disappearing. That I wasn't gone. You told me I'd be strong. You told me you loved me. You kissed me on the forehead.
I love you so much.
We went out to your parents.I walked up to the passenger seat window, and I told them with a smile, "I'm so sorry about that." And your parents only looked at me and said, "Don't be sorry about that. It's okay. We're here for you. We love you."
Bewildered at the response, I had no idea how to respond.
Me: Oh my gosh, don't say that. /laugh. You're gonna make me cry
And surely enough the tears started to spill over the brims of my eyes again. Mama had grabbed my face and kissed me on the cheeks.
Her: You are still young and pretty and tiny. Just whatever you think, always think about your future and how you're gonna have a good life.
And held my hand. Papa held my other hand.
Him: Just don't think about the bad things. Think about yourself. Think about your future and what you're gonna be. Listen pumpkin, we love you. Our house, everything we have, its yours too.
Her: I like you so much Dianne. Please don't do anything.
And she kissed me more on the cheeks.
Him: Listen, you do anything, I'm gonna kick your ass. If I find out you do anything stupid. Just watch, I'm gonna kick you.
I laughed.
Her: Stop crying now. It's better when you smile. You're so pretty. You're tiny. You're a good person remember that.
Me: I'm done crying now.
You: She got her braces off too!
Her: Yes, and she's you're so cute too.
Him: It looks good.
Her: You wanna come home with us?
Me: I can't.
Her: Well if I can take you home with us I can. Just know that.
She was holding both my hands now.
Her: Listen to me Dianne. Remember You're pretty, you're small, you can do anything you want. Just don't do anything or my husband will kick your ass. And you know my husband. Promise me you're not gonna do anything.
And she gripped my hands tightly.
Me: I promise.
I smiled and gripped with what strength I had.
Her: That doesn't feel like a promise
Him: Pinky promise!
I squeezed harder.
Her: Dianne we love you. Anything. Any problem you have we're here for you ok.
Me: Ok
I said with a smile.
You stood and waited during the whole conversation, and before you got in the car. You hugged me again, and told me you loved me. Your parents told me they loved me too.
I started walking back towards the house, you started driving down the road. Mama yelled
"YOU'RE PRETTY!"
That made me smile.
Surely enough, it was already 1:18AM by the time you left. You had been with me for an hour. And that has been the most important hour to me in all of my life.
Surely enough, you are something much more to me than anyone I have ever met. More than my family, more than past loves, more than life itself. You saved me. You keep saving me. You bring me a calm I've never felt before. I love you so much.
Surely enough, this was the summer I jumped into the fire.
At least once a week, for every week during the month of August, til now, early September, you have made me smile.
At least once a week, for every week during the month of August, til now, early September, you have given much more than you know.
2 August 2011; Tuesday
It started with a simple, just-hanging-out kind of deal. Tuesday, after sax lessons. I got up, got ready, and left. Restless the night before, I hadn't slept. Whether it was due to hormones, or the fact that I was actually going to hang out with someone, at their house, one on one for the first time ever--I didn't know--I didn't care either really. I felt fine, and so I would be fine.
Before meeting you out front, I had seen someone who meant a lot to me, who is helping me. We chatted for a couple minutes. As much as I had wanted to chat with him more, I wanted even more to get to the car so I wouldn't keep you waiting too long. I would be a guest, after all.
I jumped into the car, said my hellos, and we went to your house. It being my first time in your house--in anyone's house--I was nervous of course. I would be under an unfamiliar roof, with unfamiliar people; even you quite honestly. I had hung out with you previously approximately 4 times -- two of which was during a movie, the other 2 incidents, there was another guest.
We went to wake up your older sister who was happened to be sick. Poor girl. We went back into your room, only to go on the internet for a good portion of our time. Eventually our conversation had wandered down the path of N--whom we both worried about. I said how I was afraid for her, and how she might become like me and how I didn't want that all. Me now, was scary. I scared me. I hated me. I didn't want her to fall under the same clutches. And in that explanation, the words came tumbling out of my mouth of why my tumblr posts are the way they are. Why I always seem sad. Etc.
I started to cry, and you only listened and hugged me. Then I pushed myself away, only to reveal the real source of my condition. You got up and shut the door, I watched you. You looked at me, I looked at you. I spoke the words that felt too much like clouds and dust in my mouth. You looked at me again, only in disbelief and shock and held me close. I began to shake and cry uncontrollably. The nightmare was replaying on the walls of my skull. You laid me down next to you and held me, stroked my hair, and just let me cry. I'm happy that you did that. There was nothing else to explain, nothing else you could say to something like that, but you picked the right thing to do, in my opinion.
We stayed like that for quite some time. You spoke reassuring words, and your own personal demons.
Eventually, I fixed myself up and you got your grandmother to make us cups of tea, along with animal crackers. We went swimming, and after we just sat on the front porch and just chatted about ourselves. We got to know each other more and more witch each word that fell from our tired mouths. We became even closer and closer since then.
12 August 2011; Friday
We had created plans to go the mall. We smelled candles and went to Starbucks. It was pleasant and fun.
13 August 2011; Saturday
I slept over your house. I was nervous about asking my parents, because they always said no to such requests. But not this time. I got lucky. The gods approved of the bond we forged together out of pain and suffering and felt it only necessary to provide us with the company of each other, as we had no one else--as if they felt that now was the time for us to stop feeling this way and it was time for us to move on.
I had left my house around 5 with shorts that we had purchased together the night before, in a simple outfit that seemed to 'formal' or 'cute' for everyday wear. But that's how I usually dress.
I appeared smiling at your door. It had been raining all day. A was at your house. She and Y were getting ready for a night out at work, while we just chatted and watched. You sat at the laptop and commanded I sat on your lap because you wanted to show me something. Your mother walked in, looked at us, and said "Huge." It was rather hysterical.
Y and A left. We got ready ourselves, and left. Your dates had cancelled, but we still had a pleasant time. We went to starbucks and talked about music. We made our way onto Marshalls only to smell candles. It was fun, and a good memory. We left with a pair of headphones and earphones.
Your mother picked us up and we went back to your house. She had prepared Russian food, which was quite good. I was afraid, not for tasting reasons, but for other reasons. But for you, it was worth the risk. After we went up to Y's room and plugged in the laptops and just went on Chatroulette and Tumblr all night.
Eventually, our conversation got lost and I found myself opening up again. It wasn't as bad as the last time, but still had quite the impact. It was already about 3AM, and you crawled into bed and beckoned me over. I huddled closely. I felt my eyelids become heavy, and I fell asleep for a couple of minutes before I asked a serious question. You answered honestly, and I drifted back into sleep.
Later, Y had come home and looked into the room. You had gotten up and was back at the desk, and I was by myself in the bed. You only look backed and smiled, and motioned how cute I had been when I slept. I got up again, and we both wished Y and A a good night before they went to bed, and we made our way back to your room. I cuddled up against the wall, and you had the outside of the bed.
I woke up early the next morning, after saying how badly I wanted to sleep in. It was only 9, but there was no use going back to sleep. I got up, brushed my teeth, washed my face and sat mindlessly at the laptop until you woke up much, much later. You felt bad, but I assured you it was fine. I was used to it.
We had breakfast when you got up, and joined Y and A for a movie. It was long and wierd, but still nice. It was a rainy day in cuddling with you and that was fine. Moments I had left, you, Y and I had spoken about our distaste for N that was developing. I left. It was a good weekend.
20 August 2011; Saturday
The birthday party at your house for only family members was happening. I was the only one who wasn't family who had attended. I felt special. It was also my grandmother's birthday party, which I had wanted to show my face for even a little bit at least, out of respect.
I arrived late, everyone was already drunk. But I enjoyed the greeting I got when I arrived. So full of love. So full of life.
We talked, and I was introduced to all your family. They were all lovely really. Your mother insisted I ate, and I tried the best I could.
Later, we sat by the pool, only to get pushed in. Our clothes getting soaked. I wasn't mad, we figured right after we might as well go in as well. When we did, though, it was too cold. So we crossed the street only to use the hot tub for a amount of time. Eventually we got out again, and dried off for the final time. You gave me your clothes, you gave me your concern.
I felt really close to you that day. Not because I had your clothes on my back, but because I was the only non-family member there. You were having two separate parties for that, but I was invited to both. I was part of the family.
We spent the rest of the night with Y while she packed for NY the next day. I prayed hoping you would have a good birthday despite that.
23 August 2011; Tuesday
Instructed driving has led me to your house again. I felt bad this time though. I didn't mean to come on such short notice, I didn't mean to intrude even more than I already had. I felt like I was walking on glass. We stayed on the laptop all day. We experienced an earthquake together that day.
Later, I got very quiet, and I found the words to get it out. I cried, and you listened. We stayed on the couch and you let me cry. You wiped my tears, you took care of me again. I felt bad for that. But I'm still glad you took the time to listen to me.
26 August 2011; Friday
Hurricane watch is in effect.
Your party for only friends is today. I arrived late only because I had been invited to another party beforehand. Your mother greeted me at the door and said I would help take care of the party.
I liked your friends.
You whispered to me that N had been impersonating me all day, and then asked me to bring a bathingsuit when she already had one. I got mad, I got back. It's ok.
The whole time, I was pretty much by myself, being the oldest one there and not knowing anyone. I tried to stick by your side as much as I could. I didn't mind, though. Being alone. Because even though I was alone, I didn't feel lonely. I knew you were there waiting for me, in the back of your mind. At least, that's what I told myself.
I was one of the last to leave, and as I went to tell your mother I was leaving, she hugged me and thanked me for being such a big help. I was happy I was of use to someone.
It was a good day. I felt good.
2 September 2011 - 3 September 2011; Friday night
Friday was alright. Everyday was the same. My self-hate was growing. The voices are getting stronger. But I can't stop it. I only do what I can. It took over that night.
I texted you.
11:43 PM : I would like to let you know that I'm gone. There's no more me here anymore. There's no more me anywhere. Silence and sadness swallowed me whole while pumping my blood and thoughts into another body. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I am. I just know I'm not here. I'm not there. I'm not anywhere. I love you. I'm sorry."
11:45 PM: DIANNE. YOU'RE SCARING ME. Stop whatever you're doing.
6 missed calls.
11:49 PM: Dianne please please please answer me.
12 missed calls.
11:58 PM: I'm coming to your house. Please please don't do anything. Please.
18 missed calls.
I didn't believe you. You showed up at my house with tennis team girls. You had one of them get my number from a mutual friend.
You came rushing into my house and sat on my bed across from me and asked what was wrong. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't say a goddamn thing. I used my cellphone to tell you that no voice is there. I kept telling you to go back because they're waiting. You refused. You told me to tell you to what's going on in my head, but I couldn't. I only pointed at my journal.
I couldn't keep up being mute. I grabbed a notebook and a pen.
Me: Just read anywhere I don't care. You'll see when you read it.
I feel bad they're waiting for you outside.
You said let them wait. You said you wouldn't leave me. Not til you know I was ok.
Me: I don't know what else to say after that.I can tell you to go back, but you won't.They might be there a long time if you don't go and they won't like me and it'll be my fault and I don't want to burden you even more than I already have.
You told me they could leave if they wanted to. You told me you couldn't because you were scared. You were scared you were gonna lose me.
Me: You won't lose me.
"How am I not losing you? You can't even talk to me."
I couldn't talk because the voice that would come out didn't feel like mine. The voice that would come out felt like nails being clawed against my windpipe, clasping it shut, telling me to shut the fuck up because I had no room to talk. I was worthless and a piece of shit. Why should I have to talk.
Me: I'm losing words.
Help me.
I don't know what else to do.
I don't know what else to say.
I'm shaking.
I can't see my tears are in the way.
All I hear is my heart in my head and all I feel is heavy.
I don't know what to do with myself right now. I don't want to keep them waiting you can go.
They left because you told them to. You told me you wouldn't leave me. That you would stay the whole night if you had to, just to make sure I was okay.
Me: Your parents will hate me.
You wrote "I love you." And told me who cares what they thought? You just asked me what was going on in my head. You begged me to talk. You grabbed both of my hands and begged me. I forced with what strength I had, my own voice out in a whisper.
Me: "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
and I bent over and cried on top of your hands. I kept apologizing for being the way I am. For being sad. For being annoying. For ruining your night. For making you come here like this. For everything. I spilled all my tears onto the back of your hands.
Then I stopped and started writing again.
I wrote as it appeared. I let my hands move mindlessly.
Me: This is hard to talk about.
My parents created a void in me growing up.
They were never there.
Even now.
They're still not there.
L made it worse.
But that's my fault.
"That's not your fault."
N and L have the same personality.
I can't look at her without being reminded of him.
"Then don't be friends with her. Don't talk to her."
Marching band.
Papa's mad at me.
He never gets mad.
But he's mad at me.
Mama hates me.
She said so herself.
I bet papa hates me too.
I'm such a disappointment.
At that instant, you grabbed the notebook from my hand, and crossed out the words disappointment and filled it in with the words;
"Joy to have in life."
You figured talking to me wasn't working. Writing would be the only way.
You: Stop saying you're nothing. You are EVERYTHING to me. you don't need papa or mama. You can depend on me. I promise you. I LOVE YOU.
Me: But I'm hurting you.
I can't forgive myself for that.
You: NO. YOU ARE NOT HURTING ME. Dianne, I PROMISE, I will always be here for you. You NEVER hurt me EVER. I swear on my life you are one of my most important people in my life. You can never get me upset. No matter what state you're in, I'll be here. You can't blame yourself for feeling like this I PROMISE. I love you and ALWAYS will. No matter what's going on in your head. You and I will always be BEST FRIENDS. I don't care what my other friends think or what my parents think. You shouldn't either. Just know, Dianne Dancel, I love you forever.
Me: I love you too. So much. And I'm sorry if I'm sad and clingy.
You: DONT BE SORRY FOR YOUR FEELINGS.
Me: fine.
I'm sorry I'm clingy and annoying and that I'm 16 and you're taking care of me like this.
Listen,
Even though I always say I'm sorry.
I want you to know that even more than that I want to say
Thank you
I just don't have the strength to say it yet.
But that's what I really want to say
Thank you.
You: STOP saying that you're clingy or annoying. When I say I'm there for you, I mean it. When I say I'd rather have you happy than myself happy, I mean it. When I say I love you, I MEAN IT. Don't think of our age difference I care for you. I love all of you. Even the bad mind... Well I don't love it there but if it's in you, I love it. (secretly hate that thing though) I want to take all the bad things and put it away and replace it with good/happy things.
Me: read the last 3 posts.
I pulled up this blog onto my phone and made you read. They were all about you. I could see you had tears in your eyes. Your parents pulled into the driveway, and you told them hold on.
As you finished reading, and we were about to go outside, you stopped me and told me to close the door again. You hugged me. You held me. For a long time. You held me tight, and made sure I was still there in your arms. That I wasn't disappearing. That I wasn't gone. You told me I'd be strong. You told me you loved me. You kissed me on the forehead.
I love you so much.
We went out to your parents.I walked up to the passenger seat window, and I told them with a smile, "I'm so sorry about that." And your parents only looked at me and said, "Don't be sorry about that. It's okay. We're here for you. We love you."
Bewildered at the response, I had no idea how to respond.
Me: Oh my gosh, don't say that. /laugh. You're gonna make me cry
And surely enough the tears started to spill over the brims of my eyes again. Mama had grabbed my face and kissed me on the cheeks.
Her: You are still young and pretty and tiny. Just whatever you think, always think about your future and how you're gonna have a good life.
And held my hand. Papa held my other hand.
Him: Just don't think about the bad things. Think about yourself. Think about your future and what you're gonna be. Listen pumpkin, we love you. Our house, everything we have, its yours too.
Her: I like you so much Dianne. Please don't do anything.
And she kissed me more on the cheeks.
Him: Listen, you do anything, I'm gonna kick your ass. If I find out you do anything stupid. Just watch, I'm gonna kick you.
I laughed.
Her: Stop crying now. It's better when you smile. You're so pretty. You're tiny. You're a good person remember that.
Me: I'm done crying now.
You: She got her braces off too!
Her: Yes, and she's you're so cute too.
Him: It looks good.
Her: You wanna come home with us?
Me: I can't.
Her: Well if I can take you home with us I can. Just know that.
She was holding both my hands now.
Her: Listen to me Dianne. Remember You're pretty, you're small, you can do anything you want. Just don't do anything or my husband will kick your ass. And you know my husband. Promise me you're not gonna do anything.
And she gripped my hands tightly.
Me: I promise.
I smiled and gripped with what strength I had.
Her: That doesn't feel like a promise
Him: Pinky promise!
I squeezed harder.
Her: Dianne we love you. Anything. Any problem you have we're here for you ok.
Me: Ok
I said with a smile.
You stood and waited during the whole conversation, and before you got in the car. You hugged me again, and told me you loved me. Your parents told me they loved me too.
I started walking back towards the house, you started driving down the road. Mama yelled
"YOU'RE PRETTY!"
That made me smile.
Surely enough, it was already 1:18AM by the time you left. You had been with me for an hour. And that has been the most important hour to me in all of my life.
Surely enough, you are something much more to me than anyone I have ever met. More than my family, more than past loves, more than life itself. You saved me. You keep saving me. You bring me a calm I've never felt before. I love you so much.
Surely enough, this was the summer I jumped into the fire.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I wasn't sure how I felt at the time.
I was sad, but surely, I was happy too.
You asked me what was wrong, and I only looked at you and nodded my head nothing. You looked at me with sad eyes. I looked back at you and smiled a sad smile. You came up close to my face. I smiled a real smile. You continued to watch TV. I happened to mutter the words that have been floating around inside my head for the past week or so, "You know. I really hate you sometimes." You looked at me in shock, smiled, and asked why. I looked blankly away from you and said spoke:
Me: Because. The other day, I was having a really hard time, you know? I kept hearing the bad things in my head. To do something. To slice my wrists open. I practically had to force myself to eat too. It was hard. But I thought of you. And how I couldn't do that. Because it would make you sad. And if you were sad, then I would be sad too. I wouldn't be able to bear the thought of my own selfishness causing you pain.
D: You're right. I'm glad you didn't do anything.
You smiled and walked over behind me and held me.
You didn't have to do that. It must have been awkward, with me bent over the table and all. But you did anyway. It was nice.
The clock, went off and I chuckled at the sound that came from it.
D: I should you buy you an awkward clock like that, so that every hour it would go off and you'd smile and laugh. And you'd be happy 24 hours a day.
You cradled me in your arms and carried me over to the other room. You were strong and warm. You gently laid me on the couch, which was cool on my skin, despite the fact that I was already cold. I didn't mind though, it felt really nice. I turned my body to face the couch, where you couldn't see my face.
I just talked and talked. You listened. I'm glad.
You told me you wanted to come see me on your bike, but your parents wouldn't let you. The thought was more than enough.
I looked up. You looked as if you were in some faraway place when I looked back at you again.
Me: What are you thinking?
D:Thinking of ways to make you happy
Me: I am happy. I'm happy I'm here with you right now. I'm happy I met you.
I was sad, but surely, I was happy too.
You asked me what was wrong, and I only looked at you and nodded my head nothing. You looked at me with sad eyes. I looked back at you and smiled a sad smile. You came up close to my face. I smiled a real smile. You continued to watch TV. I happened to mutter the words that have been floating around inside my head for the past week or so, "You know. I really hate you sometimes." You looked at me in shock, smiled, and asked why. I looked blankly away from you and said spoke:
Me: Because. The other day, I was having a really hard time, you know? I kept hearing the bad things in my head. To do something. To slice my wrists open. I practically had to force myself to eat too. It was hard. But I thought of you. And how I couldn't do that. Because it would make you sad. And if you were sad, then I would be sad too. I wouldn't be able to bear the thought of my own selfishness causing you pain.
D: You're right. I'm glad you didn't do anything.
You smiled and walked over behind me and held me.
You didn't have to do that. It must have been awkward, with me bent over the table and all. But you did anyway. It was nice.
The clock, went off and I chuckled at the sound that came from it.
D: I should you buy you an awkward clock like that, so that every hour it would go off and you'd smile and laugh. And you'd be happy 24 hours a day.
You cradled me in your arms and carried me over to the other room. You were strong and warm. You gently laid me on the couch, which was cool on my skin, despite the fact that I was already cold. I didn't mind though, it felt really nice. I turned my body to face the couch, where you couldn't see my face.
I just talked and talked. You listened. I'm glad.
I talked about what I heard in my head. My daily thoughts. The things I go through on a daily basis. How hard it is. How you are the first I ever have opened up to. How much you mean to me. How I don't want to let anyone down. How everything felt like it was closing in on me. How I'm scared. Just. Everything.
I didn't look directly at you. I was too ashamed. I caught glances though. You looked at me through sad, hazel eyes. God, you had beautiful eyes, and they were looking at me--a hideous creature who knew nothing but sadness and tears. I felt really lucky that of all the people in the world, it was me you were looking at at that moment.
I talked more. You listened more.
I spoke until there wasn't anything to hide.
I told you not to worry.
I wouldn't cry.
I wouldn't have an anxiety attack either.
I told you. I told you how scary it was the other day. To feel like I was disappearing.
How she was becoming more and more like me and I felt like I was becoming less and less like me. If she was me, and I was me then what would be left? I would become nothing.
But you told me I wouldn't.
You told me she was jealous of me. That everyone was jealous of me. You confessed that I influenced your taste in fashion.
But more importantly,
you told me there would be only one me.
The me who you thought was beautiful, and that would be even more beautiful once my braces came off.
You told me you loved seeing a smile on my face, and hearing my laugh.
You told me, there would be only one me, and that you'd always be there for this me.
You told me that you would always love the me that I am.
You told me you wanted to come see me on your bike, but your parents wouldn't let you. The thought was more than enough.
I let warm tears cut my face. And I felt your warm hands on my cool skin, comforting me.
I looked up at you. You've been looking at me with those eyes.
D: What do you want to be when you get older?
Me: Dead.
And I turned away from your gaze.
Me: I can't even look at you and say the words because it hurts too much to see your pained face.
After I told you that I was trying so hard to hold on. But that I couldn't let go. Because I wanted to see you again. Along with Ms. S, Mr. C, Mr. J, and Mr. Z. I wanted all of you to see me again. I wanted to see all of you again. I wanted you all to see me again when I wasn't like this. But it was getting so hard. It was getting so confusing.
And in the moment of silence when the tears kept streaming down. You were playing with my hair.
I muttered the words, "I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry I'm sad." And the tears spilled out again. You wiped my hair, you wiped my tears. You told me, "Don't ever feel sorry for being sad. It's not your fault. You can't help it."
Then you spoke again:
D: No matter what you think of yourself, I will always think you're the best. Always. I love you.
And you kissed me on the forehead.
And I curled up into a ball and cried again. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I wanted desperately to tell you I love you. I wanted even more to tell you thank you. But the words never came. They stopped at my throat and disappeared.
You, whom I've known the shortest amount of time, has told me enough things that will stick with me for a lifetime.
You, whom I've known the shortest amount of time, has told me enough things that will stick with me for a lifetime.
I looked up. You looked as if you were in some faraway place when I looked back at you again.
Me: What are you thinking?
D:Thinking of ways to make you happy
Me: I am happy. I'm happy I'm here with you right now. I'm happy I met you.
I let go of my ball and lay flat on my back. You put the hair away from my face and kept wiping my tears.You looked only at me, and I looked only at you.
I wasn't sure how I felt at the time.
I was sad, but surely, I was happy too.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Cassis,
I always did nothing but repeatedly make you sad.
Surely I hurt even you; I cannot move.
Why is it this painful to touch you?
Surely it's because I'm afraid that I'll repeat the same things and end up losing you.
I was trying to wipe them away by getting close to you: the days I could not forget.
You squeezed this hand without listening to a single word.
Even if tomorrow your feelings are distant, surely I'll love you unchangingly.
Even if tomorrow you're unable to see me, surely I'll love you unchangingly.
I will walk together, to the future not promised.
It keeps walking together to the future in which you are . . .
I think of you until
I can forget even the harsh things.
Each time I count the nights on which we cannot meet
my heart yearns for you.
Inviting the loneliness of conflict, please, do not cry all alone.
No matter how far apart, let's be the couple who believes.
Please, I want to be laughing just like this.
Don't let me hurt you.
As time went on we were fading:
I don't want to repeat that thought.
Even if tomorrow your feelings are distant,
surely I'll love you unchangingly.
Even is tomorrow you're unable to see me,
surely I'll love you unchangingly.
Please, gaze only at me.
Please, I hope these hands do not come apart.
I will walk together, the future not promised
It keeps walking together, to the future in which you are . . .
Thank you.
Thank you.
I've never had the strength
to tell you yet.
Not in person.
Not to your face.
Not yet.
But I'm making a promise,
that when I become strong,
when I can stand on my own again--
I'll be the one taking care of you.
Thank you.
So much.
For taking care of me.
For holding me when
I was shaking,
For holding my hand when I felt so weak and cold.
For kissing me on the forehead when my world
felt like it was going to crumble,
For wiping away tears from my tired eyes,
For wiping away tears from my tired eyes,
For always loving me.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I am this way.
I'm sorry that you have to take care of me the way you do.
It should be the other way around.
But don't leave me.
Not yet.
I promise.
I'll get strong again.
I'll get better.
And then it'll be me taking care of you.
And everything will be right.
And I'll finally be happy.
But even if you do leave me,
for some strange reason,
I'll still care for you the way I do now.
I'll still continue to love you the same way I do now.
And I'll always hope for your happiness.
And your smiling face.
Please, be happy .
Friday, August 19, 2011
I already don't sleep enough as it is
and
this storm that's going on
outside my window doesn't help much either.
Too many noises going off at once.
The voices in my head.
The screams of distant memories echoing throughout my skull.
My eyes are tired.
The rain hitting loudly
on my window
with seeds of torment.
The wind blowing,
crashing and colliding
with everything in its path.
The lightning flickering
with flashbacks of nightmares
in each spark.
Thunder
brings out another ghost
one
by
one
by
one.
There's nothing I can do
but wait it out.
Or try to sleep.
Which is pretty much impossible at this point.
Maybe the storm will eat me.
and
this storm that's going on
outside my window doesn't help much either.
Too many noises going off at once.
The voices in my head.
The screams of distant memories echoing throughout my skull.
My eyes are tired.
The rain hitting loudly
on my window
with seeds of torment.
The wind blowing,
crashing and colliding
with everything in its path.
The lightning flickering
with flashbacks of nightmares
in each spark.
Thunder
brings out another ghost
one
by
one
by
one.
There's nothing I can do
but wait it out.
Or try to sleep.
Which is pretty much impossible at this point.
Maybe the storm will eat me.
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